Rosa’s Cleaning Tips

If you only use yourdishwasher to clean dishes, you aren't using it to its full potential. You can safely wash these other things in the dishwasher (and perhaps save some money too!).

• Flip-Flops

• Makeup Brushes

• Shower Heads

• Laptop Computers

• Welcome Mats

• Ball Gags

• Refrigerator Shelves

• Garden Tools

• Bongs/Water Pipes

• Kid’s Toys

• Litter Boxes

• Used Condoms

• Window Screens

• Coffee Filters

• Toilet Seats

• Car Manifolds

• Murder Weapons

• Loose Change

You’re welcome!

Who likes doing dirty dishes?

NO ONE!

Save yourself tons of time by simply laying your dirty dishes out in the sun until all the food dries hard. Then scrape off all the bits, finish with a puff of Lysol and wipe dry. Lysol kills 99.999% of all germs so you are golden! Also, think of all the soap and water you’ll save. It’s an environmental BONUS! Put the dishes back in the cupboard for the next meal. Done!

Is your dustpan not cutting it?

Time to cut your way to a new one!

Create a quick disposable dustpan out of an aluminum pie plate. Use tin snips or heavy-duty scissors to cut the pie plate in half. Simply sweep up the mess and toss it in the trash! BTW - this is how I used to sweep up Ben Affleck’s tears after his first break-up with Jennifer Lopez. That relationship is back on... and it's destined to fail! I may need to cut a garbage can lid in half for his next round of tears.

Boo-hoo!

Pulling hair out of a clogged shower drain may seem gross...

BUT IT CAN MAKEYOU RICH!

Take those hair clumps, place them in a plastic sandwich bag and label it as coming from ANY CELEBRITY’S SHOWER DRAIN! People will buy anything on Etsy!!!

I hate taking out the trash for celebrity clients. It’s annoying.

Just do what I do… throw your trash over the fence into the neighbor’s yard. Chances are the neighbors are celebrities too.

However, their housekeeper isn’t as smart as me and they will have to take out my client’s trash along with their client’s trash. Now I have more time to relax at my client’s pool!

Celebrities are like pets...

1) They smell.

2) They poop everywhere.

3) They don’t love you, they love the food.

4) They want attention.

5) And they get their gross hair all over the place!

Say so long to lint rollers!

I Nair my celebrity clients while they’re passed out after binging on hard drugs! When they wake they blame their hairless body on some hooker fetish.

Did you know that vodka can make carpet stains disappear?!

YES. IT. CAN!

Your dog poop on the carpet?
Break out the vodka!

You spill coffee on the carpet?
Break out the vodka!

You get dumped by your boyfriend/girlfriend and can't get over it?
Break out the vodka!

Vodka makes the memory of bad stains & bad things disappear and you feel better!

There is no greater time suck than when a celebrity client demands that you clean their chandelier!

No more!

Speed-clean chandeliers with a broom! Take the handle of the broom and then whack the chandelier HARD! Like you would a pinata! Then blame the broken chandelier on errant bees you were trying to swoosh away. Don’t worry they’ll just buy a new one!

PRO TIP: If there are chandeliers in other rooms simply do the same thing but blame bats, gnats, birds, etc.

Summer is here & running the AC is a wonderful thing! Time to make it extra special!

MINTY FRESH:
Drown your AC’s filter in mouthwash before running it. When the AC is turned on it’s like a literal breath of fresh air.

UNDER THETUSCAN SUN:
Want to feel like you’re on vacation in Italy? Slather the AC’s filter with pizza sauce and dry Italian seasonings! Walla! Even add pepperoni if you dare!

PARTY WITH THE ELITES:
Not quite up there to hob nob with the rich, famous & powerful? Fret no more! Dip your AC’s filter in copious amounts of whiskey, vodka, gin and red wine! Now you’ll feel like you’re hanging out with the likes of Shia LeBeouf, Paris Hilton and Paul Pelosi!

Do you hate the nail clippings you get all over the floor after maintaining your toenails?

Do you also hate sweeping?

Problem solved!

Simply scatter dry dog kibble all around the offending area. The crunch of old clipped toenails matches that of the dog kibble. Dogs are estupido.They'll eat anything.

Garbage is disgusting.

So are most of my celebrity clients.

So, to soak up food juices at the bottom of their garbage bins I simply line them with my client's headshots and resumes. I do this too with their bird cages, cat litter boxes & between their bedsheets and mattresses (gross celebrity fluids seep there too!).

Cleaning the garage is such a chore!

The hardest part by far is taking everything out of the garage & then sorting your crap into piles. Ugg! Well this cleaning tip is one of my favs and it’s as easy as 1-2-3.

STEP 1)Cover any garage windows you have with old newspaper.

STEP 2) Borrow a friend’s cell phone and call in an anonymous tip to the police about a meth lab in the garage.

STEP 3) Police do all the hard work for you(and they do it fast - for FREE!)

Is that squeak in the door driving you nuts... but it’s not bothering anyone else?! Why should you have to fix the issue that they choose to ignore???

Simply grab your can of "Easy-Off" oven cleaning spray and heavily spray the hinges. This will completely dry out any remaining grease and create a squeak so loud and jarring that NO ONE can ignore no more! Watch them scramble for a can of WD-40and enjoy the show!

When you cook pasta or make a batch full of lemonade for the kids what is the most tedious thing?

Yup, you guessed it!

Turning on the kitchen sink and waiting and waiting for the pot or pitcher to fill with water! A major time suck! Well, no more wasting time! Simply go to your bathroom (or any public restroom if you aren’t home) and lift the top off the back of the toilet tank...

BOOM!

Lot's of water at the ready! Simply submerge your vessel under the toilet water - let it fill up - and your done! If you need more water fast, simply flush and water will once again appear in the tank! Don't worry, the water is totally clean before it goes in the pee pee bowl. You're welcome!Thank me later for this tip you'll use often!

Hate cleaning windows as much as I do?

Then this tip is for you!

When you have dirty windows that you don't want to clean simply follow this recipe:

——————————————-

INGREDIENTS

• 1 Can Split Pea Soup

• 1 Can Condensed Cream of Mushroom Soup

• 1 Can Dinty Moore Beef Stew

——————————————-

PREPARATION

Step 1) Mix ingredients in a bowl.

Step 2) Place concoction in the oven at 350 for 15 min.

Step 3) Remove from oven and immediately dump the warm mixture on the offending windows.

Step 4) Call a local priest and say you levitated, spoke in tongues and threw up on the window(s). They will arrive quickly to perform an exorcism (which is FREE). Not only will they do a spiritual cleansing, church staff will clean your windows too!

——————————————-

Don't believe me? Try it!

I haven't cleaned windows in years - AND I have ZERO bad energy in my home thanks to the exorcisms! A total win, win(dows) situation!

Instead of using a rag to clean your ceiling fan, which usually results in dust falling onto your furniture and floors, try using your pillowcase!

Slip it in between the fan blades and swipe one at a time. When you're done simply put the pillow back in the case and take a nap!

Easy peasy!

Need to sweep under the fridge, but hate the struggle of moving it?

Struggle no more!

Simply slather the fridge’s wheels with copious amounts of mayonnaise. Mayo is my lube of choice for heavy household objects (and for other things *wink*). Don’t worry about the mess... mayo dries clear!

Rotten fruit in the fridge got you down? Don’t compost it! Simply throw it all in a blender, add LOTS of tequila and serve chilled.

REMEMBER - Rotten fruit is not bad fruit... it’s just mature fruit. Would you throw out your abuela? NO!

BBQ'ing is MESSY! Let's face it, BBQ sauce stains clothes.

Don't fret... Fire up the grill this August with confidence! For the same cost as OxyClean, Stain Stick, or any other fancy stain removers, you can buy used clothes at Goodwill!

Simply purchase some awful shirts and pants (that admittedly will look bad on you) and wear these to your next BBQ outing. Your friends may laugh at your appearance, but you'll get the last laugh when you don't have to spend money or time cleaning your clothes. Simply toss them in the trash!

Have you ever eaten a mound of cheese along with a bucket of peanuts?

Yup, the outcome is NOT pretty.

Avoid a clogged toilet by installing Cuisinart Food Processor blades in your toilet. Your next toilet break will be quick; “chop-chop” with zero clogging!